Individual Therapy
Individual therapy is a process to learn about yourself – with curiosity, depth, and compassion for how it is we have come to see ourselves and the world, even if it no longer serves us. Therapy allows time and space for self-reflection, a deep listening to that which you may not have had a chance to express elsewhere. Ultimately you may revise your sense of who you are so that it’s more in line with who you want to be. Within an environment of respectful acceptance, we will together move toward strengthening that which is healthy and positive, and toward letting go of that which is self-defeating, damaging, ineffective, or harmful.
Therapy provides you with opportunity to see what you bring to relationships – beliefs, expectations, hopes, dreams, behaviors, hold-over feelings and old issues from earlier relationships. My therapy work is based on the premise that the therapy relationship is a key to meaningful change. We’ll pay attention to the way in which you and I relate, notice what old issues come alive between us, and try out new ways of relating and being understood.
Insight and awareness are not sufficient. Changes that most people want are in their real life – with partners, coworkers, children, parents and others in their day-to-day world. My approach to therapy is designed to give you the actual experience of new ways of feeling, perceiving, and taking action. This then becomes the practice ground for bringing these new, healthier ways of being to the real world.
Our sessions will help you separate out strong feelings from facts; the present situation and your current options from what it is about the situation that is similar to something from your past. Sessions are designed for you to understand what has happened before, what is happening now, and, if needed, give you the chance to experience an emotional resolution to previous painful experiences. Therapy offers a way to live more in the present, aware of triggers and ties to the past, but responding to the here and now with more clarity, more options, and a sense of being able to show up to life without being defeated by it.
Therapy requires an investment of time – usually requires at least one session each week. For some people, meeting more than once a week is quite useful.
Couples Therapy
Life circumstances and difficulties can often create obstacles to acting with the utmost respect and love toward our partners. One or both partners may become tired, stressed or discouraged with something that’s happening outside the relationship.
These are some of the hallmark signs of a relationship in distress:
- We begin to focus on what we need or what we always hoped, and downplay our partner’s needs.
- We begin to tally up the disappointments or slights.
- We see our partner as the reason for our distress.
- We start to make demands of the other person, with the idea that if they changed, our life would be easier.
- We hold ourselves back, emotionally, physically or sexually.
- We give ourselves permission to express our anger and disappointment without taking the time to understand what things mean.
People often come to couples therapy without the benefit of knowing what a healthy relationship is. They don’t know how to express anger, sadness and disappointment without attacking their partner or trying to extract guilt. Couples therapy becomes the place to untangle all the things that you might have been told were acts of love, but were in fact acts of control, criticism, judgment, harshness, coldness or self-preservation. It is the place to learn healthy love.
When I work with couples, I encourage each person to accept responsibility for their actions, thoughts and ways that they treat their partner. It is an opportunity to learn and implement healthy ways of expressing desires, needs, and feelings, as well as a way to accept and honor what the other partner is expressing. I am neither judge nor arbiter – it is not my place to tell either person what they are doing wrong. Instead, I assume that both individuals are striving for something better, but they are unable to reach this goal because of old issues that are somehow getting in the way.
Couples therapy is also quite useful at the early stages of a relationship, often when a couple is considering making a big or new commitment to one another, such as moving in, buying a house, relocating, getting married, and starting or enlarging the family. Our goal will be to identify which aspects of earlier relational experiences are likely to get acted out again in this current relationship, and to give an understanding of what some of the conflicts might be given each person’s history. Early on in a relationship is a perfect time to create healthy patterns of communication and expression of needs, as well as strengthen the couple’s ability to handle conflict and differences without feeling unduly hurt or provoked. It’s possible to do this work early in a relationship so that the patterns and habits that get created are healthy and generate strength and flexibility in each person, as well as in the relationship.
When I meet with couples, I usually meet with both people first, then have a separate, individual session with each partner. This is a chance for me to gather more historical information, as well as hear of things that one person might have difficulty saying in the presence of their partner. After these sessions, we will come back together, and create the plan for what our work will be. The overall framework of the couples work is intended to help each person identify their best self – how they most want to be in the relationship, and what is happening individually and between the two people, often times without their awareness, that is preventing this. The obstacles to being our best self are often imbedded in the underlying, historical roots of how we have come to relate to others. Once this is identified, it frees people up to relate to the real-life partner they have chosen, and develop new patterns of healthy communication and interaction.
Many people find themselves in the situation where they really want couples therapy, but their partner is not interested. Many couples issues can be addressed in individual therapy, especially the issues of what old, unhealthy, painful aspects of earlier experiences are being evoked or re-created in the current relationship.